The Soul Work of Friendship
“What just happened?!?!”
Have you ever found yourself asking this question after an awkward moment with a friend?
If you’re going to do the tango of friendship with another person, you two will inevitably encounter bumps, bruises or missteps along the way. It’s part of the process of dancing through life with another person.
The causes of these awkward moments are as numerous as the versions of M&M’s out there in the world. No need to dwell on those causes. You’re most likely already familiar with them.
What I want to provide today is a simple practice to help you in becoming a healthy friend for your friends. Consider it a V8 for your friendships (or not). It’s the soul work you can do on your end so your friends aren’t always having to do more work on their end.
Now, here is how to make it happen.
Not If, But Which…
There is always a lot going on “under the hood” of your life.
Whether you know it or not, there are hidden motivations, desires, and insecurities stewing around in your life. No need to feel guilty about it because we all have it. One of the best things you can do as a friend though is to always have a pulse on what motivation drives your life.
One way to check the “levels” of your life is to ask this simple question: “What story am I telling myself?”
We all live off of and live by a story (if not multiple). For example, many of us are living the story many of our family members projected on us as we were younger. We internalized sentiments like: “you will be an incredible lawyer one day.” Maybe it’s the life of a mentor whose footsteps we want to follow. Our motivations aren’t always bad, but they are present.
Others of us are living a story in reaction to a story other people handed to us. For example, a friend of mine revealed to me their main motivation is to be as fit as possible because when they were younger they had a significant other tell them they were too fat to date. Sometimes we’re living a certain type of story to prove others wrong.
The internal work God desires to bring about with you is for your life to be motivated by a bigger, better, and more glorious story. The reality is not asking “if” we are telling ourselves a story but “which” story are we telling ourselves.
The beginning of a healthy relationship with others is to know what story others are going to bump into when doing life with you. If you’re able to become aware of what story you’re not only telling yourself but also living, it will give you a chance to eliminate a few bumps or bruises.
Here’s how…
Creating Unnecessary Icebergs
In the words of K.J. Ramsey, who is this brilliant up-and-coming counselor & God thinker in the world, “our stories shape how we live in the world.”1
In reading some of her recent work, I learned about how our memories are a forming substance. Whenever we have moments in our life where our expectations become our experiences, our brain begins to wire these connections together.2
For example, if we experience our parents disappointing us at an early age consistently enough, our brains begin to prepare and model the experience of the past in the present before it ever happens. In essence, our memories of the past can self-sabotage our present-day moments.
And here is where knowing your story is critical for your friends. As we are wrestling with the stories we are telling ourselves, we are also wrestling with the experiences of the past that are informing this story. Meaning, we tend to repeat patterns when we see signs that confirm what we’ve seen before.
And this is where it can make it harder on your friendships. If we stick to our gut instinct of wounds of the past, if we assume a friend will react the same way as others before us, if we have expectations that a friend will help us create the story we are telling ourselves in our head, we create the possibility of an unnecessary iceberg.
It’s these moments of assumptions and assigned intentions that cause us to react to our friends in a way that you walk away saying to yourself, “Why did I make such a big deal out of this?” or “Where did that come from?”
The answer is, it came from the story you’re telling yourself, or expecting to experience for yourself.
Instead of allowing your friends to write the story they actually want with you.
The Story of Jesus & Your Neurons
So, here is the practice I would suggest you let whisper to whatever story that operates as the engine of your life.
Let the story of the friendships of Jesus rewire the story of your friendships. (Now let me make this practical in a way that’s not so spiritually vague or mystical).
One of the invitations you have in your life is to live into the story God’s designed for you. You don’t have to create a story in your head from scratch. You can live by the story of Jesus by coloring in between the lines of his values, realities and ways. Many generations before us have told us that this is truly the most life giving story to live.
One of the ways to encounter God’s story is to experience the friendship of Jesus in your life.
And it’s crucial you spend time reflecting on what type of friend Jesus is through what type of friend he was to those before you. Jesus has a lot of experience with friends in his story.
Through the story of Jesus we know Jesus knows what it’s like to have a friend who he couldn’t trust.
Through his story we know Jesus knows what it’s like to have a friend who didn’t agree with him on political matters.
Through his story we know Jesus knows what it’s like to be kicked out of a friend group.
Through his story we even know Jesus knows what it’s like for others to be embarrassed by him.
And through all these bumps, bruises and missteps Jesus still stays friends with them. He does not turn away when they turn away. And the same is true for your friendship with him.
When you can’t trust him. When you can’t agree with him. When you ghost him. When you feel embarrassed by him. He still stays. In essence, he gives us a different experience than any other human friendship in our lives.
This posture makes me think of the phrase Annie F. Downs loves to use all the time when she says, “let me go back and be the person I wish I could be.”3 If I were to apply her phrasing in regards to Jesus I would put it this way: Let Jesus be the friend we wish every other friend could be.
Let Jesus change the pattern of the story you expect or have experienced in the past. We’re told by psychologists that neurons that fire together are wired together.4 Meaning, whatever we experience over and over becomes a pattern, and that pattern over time becomes our expected reaction.
Slowly identify the story you’re telling yourself. Identify the motivations. Watch out for the assumptions formed by the past. Experience the difference of friendship with Jesus. And sooth your natural reactions to friends to give them a chance to show you something different.
The health you could experience across your friendships may just make them ask the same question we started this podcast with in the best way possible:
“What just happened?!?!”
References
1Ramsey, K.J. This Too Shall Last (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Reflective, 2020), 139-156.
2Ramsey, This Too Shall Last, 144.
3Listen to any episode of Annie & Eddie Keep Talking and you will find her sprinkling this quote throughout their time together.
4I learned this through K.J. Ramsey’s work in This Too Shall Last. She attributes a deeper dive into this statement through Donald Hebb, The Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological Theory (New York: J Wiley, 1949) or Carla J. Shatz, “The Developing Brain,” Scientific American 267, no. 3 (1992): 60-67.