We Create What We Avoid
I said a very unpopular opinion the other day in mixed company.
In the wake of a discussion about Marvel movies, I simply said the statement, “I think the third Iron Man is brilliant.” To say the least, it created some comotion. You would’ve thought I told them their puppy looks ugly. Notice, I didn’t say it was the greatest movie of them all. I didn’t even say it was my favorite of them all.
But that didn’t matter. It caused an uproar. Words were exchanged. Mistakes were made. It was a grenade I can’t take back. But here is the thing, I still wouldn’t take back that statement. Mainly, because of the brilliance of the opening line.
The movie begins with Tony Stark, the main character, saying this one phrase that introduces the whole human experience by saying, “We create our own demons…” And then he continues to recap an event from years ago that created the whole plot line and the challenges he faces throughout the movie.
It’s all about one conversation. One dismissal. And one moment of not meaning what he said.
This is good art. Art at its best, doesn’t entertain us, as much as it introduces us to ourselves.
And this one simple line is true about ourselves. We create what we want to avoid in life. Unknowingly, we form realities that every day become greater realities in our life. We skim through life making decisions that we don’t even know will lead to bigger and harder decisions down the road.
And today I want to lead us through one small way we do this that creates our own monsters. It’s an everyday practice that slowly cracks open the door to let our demons and monsters creep up behind us and haunt us. And it’s not as dramatic as you think, but it is more common than you think.
We Don’t Say What We Mean
Here is an example of me doing this a while back.
A couple of months ago, I was in front of a group of people being reviewed. To be frank, I was nervous. I wanted to build relationships with these people. I wanted to develop trust. I also wanted to be liked. So I was nervous in our conversation.
And when I get nervous, I start getting highly agreeable. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this habit, but in a longing to build connection with people, you just start shaking your head and agreeing to whatever they are saying even though you might not be evaluating if you agree or disagree with what they are saying. It’s not that you’re trying to be dishonest or misleading, you’re just only using about 10% of your brain because the other 90% is frozen.
That’s what happened to me. My responses were like I had just let a coral of cows out into the pasture. My answers and responses were filled with “mmm’s” and mmmhhhhmmmmm’s.”
It’s like my High School crush was finally speaking to me and it didn’t matter what we she was saying because she was actually saying words to me.
They could’ve been saying anything and I would’ve agreed. “Mr. Witcher, don’t you agree that the world is flat?”
“Oh absolutely, flatter than penny!”
I mean seriously, it was that bad. Like, they could’ve asked me, “How are you doing?” And I would have responded with, “The dead body is in the trunk!!!!” What are you even talking about?
After just one response, I even remember internally saying, “What’s going on with me right now?” But then one question snapped me out of it. They asked me a question about one of my convictions. One of my ways of life. Something that’s been core to my approach to life. And it woke me up to how asleep I had been to myself at the wheel of this conversation.
And then I did something necessary, but highly embarrassing. I admitted, in public, in front of them, that I needed to backtrack a bit and explain how I was coming from a different place. It was humiliating. It was awkward. And it was painful. But something beautiful happened, they actually appreciated me even more than the persona I was trying to build in front of them by just being agreeable.
Now granted, this isn’t always the case or end result. And I was fully ready for the opposite to happen. But either way, it needed to happen.
Here is the point I want to bring to our attention (other than showing you how crazy my internal dialogue looks on a day to day basis). If you want to avoid creating demons that will haunt you in your future, you have to be willing to say what you mean and follow through with it.
Other than those who have really strong personalities, most of us get caught up in moments and we don’t actually say what we mean or we don’t say anything at all. A number of motivations happen from here. We’re caught off guard. We want to impress someone. We don’t want to rock the boat. We don’t have formulated thoughts to share.
All understandable. Relatable. But not justifiable to be our moral compass.
Because one of the quickest ways to create damage in the future is to avoid the dilemmas of the present.
Yes, No, I Don’t Know
Now in the moment, we think not saying anything or being as agreeable as possible is a solid solution at the time. It feels right and keeps our blood pressure down. It keeps everything intact the way things were before you arrived on scene. Many times, it’s in such small ways that we don’t even think twice about it…
We say, “Whatever you think is best” to a friend making a life decision we’re unsure about.
We respond with silence when a family member says something that has residue of racism with it.
We go along with our coworkers idea without asking the question everyone else in the room is wondering.
We respond with a “maybe” to an offering of making plans next week when you know you don’t have the room.
We nod along when someone says, “You get this, right?” when it would be much harder to point out how there may be something wrong in the midst of something that may be right.
Many times, these slight pauses don’t amount to anything in the grand scheme of things, but we often forget they set us up for the regular habit of cracking open the door to our closet that will let monsters enter your life. Mainly because of this one fact, every time we do this, we let people build an inaccurate picture and understanding of us. We don’t allow people to truly know us. To know our thoughts. To know our perspectives. To know our inward wrestlings. To know our reservations. And to know our hearts.
And then when something unavoidable happens, our real thoughts, decisions, or emotions come out and that person justifiably feels like they don’t truly know you. Why? Because we’ve allowed them to have the wrong understanding or perception of us.
This is where the Christain way of life has a breath of fresh air for all of us. It’s in these times, we are told people who want to live a God drenched life will simply let their “yes” mean “yes” and their “no” mean “no.”1 Notice, it’s not a life that every perspective or commitment needs to be argued. Every “no” doesn’t mean you need to be standoffish from now on. It doesn’t even mean that one “yes” doesn’t mean it’s a “yes” for all time.
The ways of Jesus simply encourage you to live a life that says, slow down, take inventory of every response, and be transparent with people in the “yes” or “no” of your responses.
One of the ways I’ve found this helpful is to only have three buttons to push when responding to someone: Yes. No. And I don’t know.
Eliminating the word “maybe” as a response eliminates the possibility for ambiguity. Seriously, maybe is a toxic word because it implies “probably” but I don’t want to be held accountable for it.
Here is the thing. Tony Stark may have said a famous man (implying himself) once said, “we create our own demons” but an even more famous, real man, told us how to combat even creating those demons in the first place. And I don’t know about you, but I want to go to the sources of the demons we create, not just mourn the fact that we may create our own demons.
I want my friendships to be dynamic.
I want to have an understanding with my coworkers that we don’t all have to think the same to accomplish a bigger goal.
I want the ones I love to know I love them enough to let them love all of me.
And I don’t want to spend every day like it’s a balancing act of trying to manage different personas and give off the right one to each person I meet.
It’s time to shut the door to a practice that even allows us to create our greatest nightmares down the road.
It’s time for us to live a life meaning our words because it’s how people will know we are people who keep our words.2
References
1Matthew 5:33-37
2Shout-out to Deja Roberson for all the hard work she contributes to Onto Somethin’ week after week!