Change of Plans
“Canceling plans is like doing cocaine.”
Those were the first words out of my first spiritual mentor’s mouth as I was working through a friendship at the time. His words were abrupt. Shocking. And although I’ve never done cocaine, these words haven’t left me even though it’s been nine years sense that declarative statement.
Canceling plans is addictive these days. Mainly because of FOMO (the fear of missing out). Now days, no one commits to anything till last minute just in case a better thing comes along. And if a better thing does come up alongside a previous commitment, we often send the “I’m not going to make it” text without thinking critically about the decision. Canceling is quick. It’s contagious. And the effects always last longer than we think in the moment.
If friendship were a class, I would be in summer school every single year. Many of the things I’ve learned about friendship I’ve had to learn the hard way. It’s been hard work, but it’s worth the work.
If you’re ready to do the hard work, I want to invite you to work with me on one step to begin strengthening your friendship muscle.
It begins with canceling the last minute canceling.
The True Story of Our Friendship
If you really want to find what embodies how most of us treat our friendship these days, you do not have to look any further than our instagram stories. Insta stories let you post a temporary clip of your life, at a random moment, without warning, and it is guaranteed to leave as quick as it came.
The bottom line is many of us operate this same way with our friendships. We consider a connection with someone a friendship. We prematurely give them the label friend even though they are more like an acquaintance. Then, we drop in and out when convenient. We exchange comments when we want to and ignore them when we don’t. And all in all, if we move on, we expect what we’ve said will be forgotten.
After sitting and listening to people process their relationships for nearly a decade now, I’m seeing the signs of how the fruit can look great but truly be rotten inside.
One of the ways I’ve been able to measure this characteristic in others friendships is by how willing or often someone cancel plans with another. I will nod to there being an exception that sometimes we feel more comfortable canceling plans with the people closest in our lives because of our existing history (I even have a few of these relationships).
But too often this becomes a habit in the relationships around us. It feels good in the moment, but it slightly unravels the stitching of friendship each time it happens.
The “Greens” of Friendship
One of the best “greens” for our relationships is the practice of follow through. As many have said before, 90% of life is about showing up.1 If we have aches over our friendships and want something deeper from our friends we must evaluate if we’re showing up.
Not just in the times we want to show up or feel like showing up. We must show up when we’re not feeling it. When we do have other things pressing that we need to do.
Take our friendship with God as an example of why this is crucial. As I’m reaching my thirties, I’m starting to understand how God’s main role in life isn’t to fix my problems in life with the snap of a finger. That’s not God. That’s Thanos. God’s main role in my life is presence in the midst of those problems. (And trust me there is plenty of them. I’ve been known for staying up at night thinking if there is another word for synonym). It’s true that in the presence of God healing, comfort, and conviction all are slowly ushered into my life. The main vehicle in which those moments of transformation come through is in the attentiveness of divine company.
We cannot expect love, care, affection, fun, and connection to be experienced in our life if we’re not willing to go to the bus stop of presence to be ushered into a new experience.
It’s stories like a monk by name of the Brother Alphonus who we should all seek to live by in how we interact with our friends. One of the most unique facts people recall from this guy is that every time someone knocked on the door or rang a door bell, he immediately said under his breath, “I’m coming Lord.”2
Why say such an off the wall response?
He believed responding consistently to any invitation with another person was a chance to experience God showing up in his life as well.
The Surprise
If you’re human, I’m sure at some point or another you’ve thought to yourself, “I wish they were a better friend.” There is a desire underneath us for greater connection. We want to reach for other’s actions, but maybe the work can first start with our actions.
Can I offer you a simple way to track how you’re doing on taking in the vegetable of “presence” in your friendships?
Just ask this simple question, “When is the last time a friend has been genuinely delighted you’ve shown up?”
When did an invitation on your end bring joy, surprise, or affirmation to your relationship just by simply asking to be together or just surprising them with your presence.
Sure, friendship can be complicated, but the starting line is always simple. Do we show up when we say we are going to show up. The rest of the work can’t even begin if you aren’t willing to show up.
Find the answer to this question and you will find the answer to what kind of story of friendship you’re living in your life.
I can guarantee you this, you will definitely have more than 10 days to work on your friendship with them if you simply show up.
References
1James Martin, The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life (New York: HarperCollins, 2012), 228.
2Martin, The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything, 245.