The Cafeteria of Love
“How do I know it’s love?”
What a daunting question to ask.
As I write this blog, we are days away from Valentine’s day, which I’m shocked is still a big deal. I figured we would’ve collectively voted this day off the island with how much pressure it puts on all of us.
Every year is like clockwork with this holiday. As the day approaches, I get a number of questions about how to know if they should use the “L” word (and no I’m not talking about lamas, good guess though). I’m talking about the sneaky word, love.
I’m also mindful of my married friends who, after a couple of years into marriage, might be asking themselves, “How do I get out of the rut of using the word “love” rather than it only being the casual way I say ‘goodbye’ to my spouse?”
Love is complicated because there is a cafeteria line of definitions. It’s hard to talk about love because there is no guarantee you’re referencing the same definition. Everyone picks and chooses.
Let’s slide our trays along this cafeteria line together with the different measurements people use for love. When we say the word love, do we mean…
Attraction. Do I love them because my pit stains look like the size of Minnesota because of their hotness?
Longevity. Do I love them because I want to grow old with this person? Do I love them because we’ve been together for so long? (maybe they wrinkle well?)
Opposition: Do I love them because they are SO opposite of me that it challenges my day-to-day mode of operation?
Trajectory: Do I love them because I love the idea of the future we could possibly share together?
Security: Do I love them because they make me feel assured that I won’t feel lonely in my life?
I’m sure you could think of more, but these are the most common ones I hear other people pick up when trying to define love for their life. The overarching question though, is which one of these is right? Is there a right definition?
Is it up to personality? Does being in love mean you can say, “yes,” to all of these?
Instead of responding to this cafeteria line of questions, I’d like to provide a different question that may frame love differently. A different measuring stick if you will. It’s not a hot and sexy question. It’s more of a long haul question. One that may make the overarching question a little less daunting.
“Sound exciting? Inviting. Let’s do it then!” 1
Love’s History
Let’s start with where this question even comes from in the first place.
Love has some history behind it. You should be aware of its history. Mainly, the way we talk about love, especially romantic love, is pretty new. Let me give you the twitter version.
Love has progressed into something you find instead of something you grow into over time.
Not to sound like your great great great grandpappy, but love wasn’t something you started with as your measurement for something romantic. Its purpose used to be pragmatic and economic. People entered a life-long commitment because of its impact and security for family. Writers, like David Zahl have written in detail about how “marriage of reason” was the motivation and source of committing to someone back in the day.2
But sociologists now say we tend to be motivated by the “marriage instinct.” The usual reasons like land, peace, security and offspring slowly transformed into attraction and emotional needs.
Now, you look for the embodiment of Ryan Gosling or Michael B. Jordan for your standard of romantically loving someone. (We still consider the other elements of love’s history, but they tend to not be our initial attraction factors).
That’s right. I went there. You heard me. Michael. B. Jordan. (if you haven’t seen his Alexa commercial. Go watch it. Don’t walk. Run.)3
So, what do people who are looking to live in a God-drenched reality do for measuring love that doesn’t just embody the attributes you see in the Bachelor?
Well, love has some history in scripture as well.
It has several expressions to match this type of relationship, but it all draws back to the same source. If you want to see what embodied love looks like, you look at the body and life of Jesus.
Jesus embodies love.
Love isn’t about how two bodies feel about each other. Love in the life of Jesus is about the action embodied towards another.
It’s worth noting scripture doesn’t spend a ton of words even describing love as a feeling or a spark. It speaks about love as an action towards someone else. And in Jesus’ life, his death, burial, and resurrection are those actions of God’s love.
Two Words You Don’t Hear About Love
Let’s talk about a definition that might make the love of Jesus a little less vague for you.
There was a thinker in history who wanted to get to the bottom of defining the love Jesus embodied to the world that we could embody to one another. His name was Aquinas (I know his name sounds like some guy who should be Aquaman’s sidekick).
“To love,” he says, “is to both will and work for that person to be who God created them to be.”4
Notice. There are no words of attraction, feelings, or purpose. Christains have come back to his definition over and over again as the words “work” and “will” are written beside the word, ‘love.’
Work. Will. Those are two words you don’t hear quite as often next to love.
Here is what I would like for you to consider when we’re talking about the expression of this love that could be romantic for those who want to live in God-drenched realities. The definition of love these days tends to be used to answer one “I do” question instead of a bunch of “Do I” questions.
We think the measurement for romantic love is “Would I say ‘I do’ to this person?” When in reality, a type of love that works and wills for the other to be who God created them to be should ask a bunch of “Do I” questions.
Do I find myself gravitating towards this person because I love who they are becoming?
Do I have a passion for them to be closer to who God made them to be for the world?
Do I find it meaningful to give my life to them by working with them to become a more fuller image of Jesus than they already are in life?
This is where the commitment of marriage should be extremely counter cultural.
To ask this question in the first half of life is completely opposite of the mode we’re taught to be asking. In your twenties and thirties everyone is telling you to ask questions like, “What do I want?” “What is my next step?” “What do I want life to be about?”
To consider loving a person in a committed relationship is to ask, “Do I want to spend my life investing in this other person?” “Do I want to give away a few of the opportunities I could do in the world for the opportunity to help shape their life?”
How Do I Know I Mean It?
So, as we round third base, let me make a clear distinction.
Love doesn’t automatically equal a lifelong covenant together.
The question of loving someone to the point of committing your life to them isn’t answered overnight. It’s not a gumball machine question. Love is a slow process because the words “work” and “will” are long-time words.
Love isn’t an answer to one big question, but an answer to a thousand little questions.
It’s not something you find. It’s something you grow.
Let it keep growing until you are ready to commit to a lifelong partnership of willing and working towards that person being fully who God made them to be in the first place.
One writer put it beautifully by saying, “The [one] who makes a vow makes an appointment with [themselves] at some distant time or place.”5
Love that keeps growing at some point answers enough questions to say, “I’m going to commit to a life of loving this person that will change them and me in ways I can’t anticipate in the future.”
At some point as you keep working out of love, you know you want to make a decision for the long haul with this person.
But let’s not get caught up on the long-term question today.
People always want to lead with this question. Every date they go on. With every person they meet they want to rush to this question. Is this long-term love?
I’m here to tell you there is no need to rush to that question.
We need to make love less daunting.
Instead of asking, “Do I love them?” Today, just ask the simple question, “Do I want to give more to this person?”
Sure there are some days when you’re a little shaky on the answer to this question, which is natural. Especially when we’re talking about a relationship that requires you to give of yourself and not lean into selfishness.
But asking, “Do I want to give more energy, time, my story, my fears, my strengths, my support, my sweat, and my walk with God,” is how you begin answering the small questions of if love is growing.
I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a true embodiment of love that is worthwhile.
References
1Walt Disney World Records, I Want It All from High School Musical 3, Grabeel & Tisdale (Walt Disney track #3 August 15th 2008), Spotify.
2David Zahl, Seculosity (Minneapolis, Fortress Press, 2019), 24.
3Amazon, Amazon’s Big Game Commercial: Alexa’s Body YouTube, Accessed February 7th, 2021. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxNxqveseyI
4John Ortberg, I’d Like You More If You Were More Like Me. Aquinas Quote (Illinois: Tyndale Momentum, 2017), 25.
5 Ortberg, I’d Like You More If You Were More Like Me, Chesterton Quote, 115.